News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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