whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
