i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
