Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
