True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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