I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
