Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
