college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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