Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
