I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
