i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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