did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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