I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
