My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
