so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
