I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
