When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize