If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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