he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize