I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Barsexuality is the new black.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
