I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
