my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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