i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
