I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize