On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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