I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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