I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
