i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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