I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They have beer where we have blood.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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