A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
