I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
