Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
