Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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