Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
