Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
