Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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