im drinking this country out of the recession.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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