He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
