she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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