I wish I could teleport
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
