I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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