I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Couch. On fire.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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