True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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