Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hippo gnu deer
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
