The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
