best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
