Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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