So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
