So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize