i just wanna soil my oats bro
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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