I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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