You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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