Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
