btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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