I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
