no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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