i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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