I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
